So I find myself crying today... being sad and depressed even though I told myself I wasn't going to be. Yesterday was the 13 year anniversary of the car accident that took my Moms life. She lived for a week after... It was Christmas vacation, we were visiting family out of state. Needless to say Christmas has been a really hard holiday for me to celebrate and not be sad. I've done really well the last couple of years. But this year, I feel so alone. I've lived almost half my life without her, why is it still hard sometimes? I'm 27 years old, I'll be 28 soon, thats old enough to not still be crying for your Mommy? It aggravates me, it makes me feel broken, and abnormal. I hate feeling different, I hate not being able to share the way I feel with people because they will just get akward and feel sorry for me.

My best friend was murdered on Nov 29th. She called me the night she was killed just to tell me she loved me... we had been fighting recently, her boyfriend was controlling and didn't want me in her life. She was there for me through everything I've been through. All the times where I was a mess, she never gave up on me, and always supported me. She was the most positive person I've ever known, and was my person I told everything to. And now she's gone. Here I am feeling sorry for myself all over agian... "why is this happening to me". I understand this is life, and it can be really rough sometimes. But I'm so tired of hurting, so tired of being someone who has been through so much, and been stong. I just want to scream, I want my mom to hug me and tell me its all gonna be okay. I want to stop fighting for my happiness and just surrender to the tears. I just don't know what to do, and I don't know what to say to anyone. I want to tell someone, hey I really could use a hug right now... but I just hate being seen as the "girl with issues". I dont want to be broken... unfortuantely I am. I'm really good at convincing everyone Im okay, but in all actuallity, Im really struggling today.

Today is Christmas...one of my mom's favorite holidays.  She died July 18, 2003 and she was 46 years old...I was 27.  She was a young mom, and you could say that we grew up together.  I, too had a child at 20 and he's now 15.  My father is somewhat distant, I don't know if he knows how to cope with the loss...they were married for over 20 years.  I read the other blogs of the women and I identify so much with each and every one.  My cousin was murdered this summer, and I find myself struggling again but also feeling guilty because I don't hurt as bad as I did with my mom.  Does this mean that I am somehow getting numb to grief?  Am I somehow empty and not capable of feeling that deeply for anyone else?  These are the questions that I have. 

I guess that there is a great deal of comfort to be found in the idea that I am not alone in my struggle to live a life without a mother, live a life after losing such a wonderful nurturing and loving person is hard, but I am doing it. 

It's Christmas Day around 8:30, and I am congratulating myself on another holiday completed, and not dissolving into a sobbing mess on the floor.  That's quite an accomplishment.  After my mom died (for about a year afterwards) I would have to rely upon my husband for everything...asking him forever what was I supposed to do next, and forgetting everything that I have ever known.  I call it my lost year...the year where I don't remember anything.

Missing my mom, and the way that she would rub my hair and I would lay my head in her lap.  She always told me that she loved me, and that I was "the best kid in the world".  What I wouldn't give to have that again...for just a moment.

That's it really, it's Christmas, and I was just thinking, "It's Christmas...where's my mom? I should have my mom with me on Christmas, right?"

Angela

For Mom:

you were taken away

you needed to take care of grandma that night

you said you couldnt breathe

it wasnt just a panic attack

but you thought it was

so you took a pill

shouldnt have cut back on your heart meds

i didnt know you were sick

your heart condition was stable

for 25 years it was ok

until we didnt have insurance

couldnt pay for the meds

the doctors said it wasnt your heart

that was the problem

but i think it was

you never cut back on those pills before

it was the only deviation

in your normal routine

i could barely hear the last thing you ever said

it was raspy and extremely fearful in tone

you couldnt look at me

while i sat on your bed

my mind was swimming with ideas

about the inconvence of getting up so early

i didnt hug you that last time

you looked so messed up

i didnt want to hug out the breath you had left

it wasnt because i didnt love you

the ambulance came just like you asked for

that emt was yelling at you

for fighting him

he scared you so bad

i could see it on your face

you told him you couldnt walk

he made you stand up anyway

you were on the stretcher

i saw inside the ambulance

as they got out the paddles

i didnt go with you

i stayed behind because grandma couldnt be alone

and because i was uncomfortable with seeing you that way

i came immediately when they called me minutes later

i got there and i heard

heart stopped

pray for her

brain damage

i was shocked

you were in icu 10 days

they couldnt find out what was wrong

i slept there four days trying to wake you up

out of the coma

i cried and screamed in the bathroom

embarassed to break down in public

i read you books you loved

watched shows you loved

the doctors took every test

you didnt respond to pain

or follow their finger with your eye

when you had the inexperienced nurse

i stayed with you for fear she would hurt you

every time i saw you i knew you were

already gone

every time i visited you

the bruises on your arms from poking

the bloody patches where tests were performed

all looked worse than before

i put on the greatest show of my life

pretending to be calm in front of family

when inside my heart was torn out

i did what you wanted

when the neurologists told me

there was no hope

i gave you eternal rest

you were my only mother

i was your only child

i was very shy

you were very talkative

you called me your favorite person in the world

i called you women as a joke

we always lived together

you were a homemaker

i was 23 and you were 51

i didnt have any friends

for almost a decade

so you were

my only friend

ill always remember

those perfect five months

caring for grandma

making her life better

she misses you

all our pets

are with you now

meowrie our cat who died of leukemia at one year

maddy our poodle who was 13 years old

and all the other lizards,snakes,birds

the menagerie of guinea pigs,rabbits

fish and more that you so graciously allowed me to have

but you grew to love

each and every one as if they were your own

i love you forever

my confident

my buddy

my therapist

my master chef

my roommate

my protector

my voice

my transporter

and most importantly

my loving mom

 

 

For Mom:

 

you filled my life with laughter

your enthusiastic manner always succeeding to cheer me up

you brought me out of my seclusion

my gloom was quelled only by your friendship

you protected me

from bad friends,bad choices

in the high school of hell

you whisked me away from all the meaness

you brought peace to my life

you saved me from what could have been

without a way out i felt trapped

you recognized my self hatred

you brought me out of the tough world

like an angel on earth

you fostered my every whim

you treated me as grown up when no one else would

we had lots of fun watching movies

you cooked such wonderful dishes

things werent always easy

with bills piling up

worries galore

you always managed to pull things together

in the roughest of times

when i didnt want to talk

when i became silent from anger

at people i knew

things i couldnt change

i always came home everyday of my life

and you were there

you never brought judgement upon me

for telling you my troubles

 

I LOVE MOM!

 

Good morning,

I made some brief comments yesterday to some of the more recent posts, but those comments have not yet been posted. I feel a wee bit better today. I finally shed a tear or two over the anniversary death (15th) of my mother for this year. It's ironic. The first two years after she had died, I cound not stop crying, and now I am lucky if I can muster up a tear for release. Strange dynamic.  Back then I wouldn't even be sobbing, the tears would just pour out of my eyes regardless of where I was or what I was doing---if I heard a trigger word or saw something that made me emotional--the tears would just rain down my expressionless face. Now I bottle it up. I guess because after a while I expect to have some type of closure even when I know that this type of loss does not have closure--it just has what I call a process of grief management....similar to pain management for chronic back pain.

As for "daughterless mother" I can sort of relate. I am 31 and a perpetual student in college still working on my bachelor's degree. I finally found some one who is father material, and after 4 yrs of my biological clock ticking I just want to mate and breed like a rabbit. But we can't yet between school and the economy. I have no children now and I am often mulling over the the two scenerios of, "what if I have a boy" or "what if I have a girl."  

What I can relate to you with emotionally is that feeling of aloneness that comes, that can never be filled because the person I am missing will never be back on the planet in the same way ever again. And men, well there are certain things that men just can not give us as women unless they become an androgenous being.(I think I spelt that right).

You sound more in touch with some of your negative emotions than I like to admit out loud even as much as I "talk" about stuff--that is healthy on your part.

Anyway until your next post.

signed,

giveacare  zt

 

 

 

 

 

I wrote in an earlier blog that I wish I had a daughter, thinking it would fill my void in missing my mother and recreate the relationship I am looking for.  I am just wondering if there is any adults out there that either have a daugther and it makes a difference or don't have a daughter and yearn for one.  Am i alone on this?  I feel like a brat when I complain that I don't have a daughter.  I have two beautiful sons and some people can't even have that for one reason or another.  So, I am thankful.  I just feel robbed of the fact that I lost that bond on both ends.

A friend of mine also lost her mom when she was 9.  She has a daughter however, she really wanted boys.  SHe was fearful of having a girl becuase she said she didn't know what to do with her since she really didn't have that when she grew up.  Her memories of her mom are minimal.  I thought this was so weird since i thought all women who lost thier mom would think like me.

My husband truly feels that a girl would not fill the void I have for my mom.  Even if I was to have a girl, he feels that I would still be sad and miss my mom.  So, what is the consenus out there?  I would love to hear your perspectives.

It has been fifteen years now since the death of my mother.  Most of the time I am okay with it, sometimes I am not. I'm not in the mood to disclose right now (which is highly unsual, smiling to myself). Rather I am inclined to read what's on this site for now. Tootles

I received the phone calls at work on September 12, 2007.  The first from my Brother-In-Law, that she collapsed and it did not look good.  The next from the neighbor who had been friends with my parents for 25 years or so.  She broke the news that Mom just collapsed and died.  The two of us just cried with each other.  She was such a strong woman.  Between the phone calls, I kept telling the Assistant Director of the library (who only started 2 days before) that she had been through open heart surgery, survived Colon Cancer, had a dissection of her intestants, was Diabetic, but that she always came through.  This time she didn't.

She had called me 2 1/2 weeks before to let me know Dad had been diagnosed with the beginning of Alzheimers.  My husband and I took a trip up to see them.  They lived 7.0 hrs. from where we live.  I made a special CD of family pictures to view on their p.c.  Two weeks later, she was gone.  Both my Dad and I knew that she knew she was going to leave us.  After she died there were things placed in areas of the house where she knew we would find.  Including the Miraculous Medal she left in the first music box I gace her when I was about 7 years old.  We always talked about God and our religion.  How both of us would have liked the church to go back to Latin.  There was a Christmas floral arrangement to place on my Sister's (Sharon) plaque at the mauselium at Christmas time right under the T.V..  My Sister who had been married to the Brother-In-Law who made that first call.  She had died of Cancer. 

The family all gathered for the services.  My Dad asked me to do all the arrangements.  There were two other older siblings left who were there.  But it was my Sister's (Sharon) Daughter and I who went through all the details.  My Father was devistated.  He kept talking how it took two years to catch her, and 68 years to keep her.  He almost collapsed a few times during the following days.  People were there to catch him.

 The following Monday he wanted everything transfered into his and my names.  Including the changing of the will.  It was a week from the day that my Mother was laid to rest, when my Dad passed out in the kitchen.  Both my Sister (Rita) and I were in different places in the house.  Rita found him lodged between the stove and cabinets.  I called 911 and they responded quickly.  I was on the phone with the dispatcher while begging my Dad to not go to sleep, stay awake.  

I rode in the ambulance with him.  He had a blood clot on his brain.  No one knew if it was new or old.  They kept him for a few days to let it heal.  It was only minimum bleeding.  This was when changes to the will were made.  Right in his hospital room.  The executer was changed from my Brother to me.  All of a sudden I became the caretaker of my Dad.  I was scared as hell.  He was released.  Less than a week later, it was his birthday.  He likes Chinese so we took him to his favorite place.  My Sister noticed he was not himself.  I thought it was his depression about Mom.  I kept telling her that if he was going to live by himself, he would have to do the things Mom would have done.  I still keep kicking myself for not seeing the obvious signs he was getting worse.  The next day he could not even get out of bed.  It was the worst thing I have ever seen in my life! He was drenched in every body fluid there was.  It was October 3rd.   

By 5:00 pm I received a call that he needed to be transported to a hospital in Burlington, Vermont.  He was bleeding on the brain enough to warrent a craineotomy to drain the fluid and Vermont was the closest hospital to perform it.  This meant a transfer by ambulance four hours away.  To make a long story short.... That ambulance broke down in route, another ambulance to take him to the nearest hospital, then another to take us to Burlington.  We left Ogdensburg (home)at 7:00 and arrived at Burlington at 1:30 in the morning. Four hrs. became 6 1/2 hrs.  I looked so old and weary, they thought I was his wife.  Dad was 90 and I was 53.  I'm the "baby" of the family.  He still introduces me as the baby.  He also blames the operation for his failure to remember things.  He was so heavily sedated, he does not remember the trip to Vermont.  Which is the way I want to keep it.  I still don't know if I did the right thing or if I should have kept him under "comfort care" as the hospital worded it.  To have let him die in comfort!  He came home.  But he lives in a Nursing Home.  I take care of his finances, pay his bills.  The last time he was living in his home was the day of his birthday. Only a few weeks after Mom died. 

After the worst was over, I was still emotionally traumatized by everything.  Setting all the incidental things that go along with rehab, establishing hid settlement first in a Adult Home, then the Nursing Home.  Yeah, I cried at work.  But then my job threatened to force me into psychiatric treatment.  I left the next day.  Within a few days I left to stay at Dad's house in Mid Winter.  I was there to see my Dad every day.  That was treatment for me!

 

Mourning my Mom?  I don't know if I have yet.  I haven't even been able to add to her memory book.  My siblings haven't even shown an interest.. My neice left a message.... "You loved me even before I was born."  We will love her forever!   

 

I lost my mom on July 12th...so it's only been about three weeks since she passed. She died from complications from COPD and pulmonary fibrosis. It all happened so fast, I still can't believe that she was fine last fall.

She had always had a little cough, but we never knew how serious it was. LAst fall she was diagnosed with COPD and put on oxygen only during the night. Not soon after, she was on it 14/7, and she just kept getting worse and worse, faster and faster. She was no longer able to do the things she loved, or even go to work, but she did anyway. Mom was always the life of the party, and she was always smiling. She was only in the hospital for about a month, waiting to get on the transplant list. I was staying home keeping an eye on the animals and the house while dad was with her in the hospital, so I was not there with her when she left. I woke up very early that Sunday, unable to sleep for some reason. I walked intot he kitchen to see my dad and my uncle's girlfriend standing there. I immediately knew something was up, but did not even think it was mom. I cried all day.

I was very close with my mom...closer than any of my friends were to their mothers...or anyone I knew for that matter. She was like my sister, my best friend. She would always take me on spur-of-the-moment trips and we loved going to plays and musicals together. We spent so much time together, it hurts so much and feels so empty without her here. I recently went camping with some friends, and when I got home I broke down because mom was not there to ask me how much fun I had and all the details that went with it. She would always want to know every little detail.

She always told me how proud she was of me...my artwork, my acheivements, and the choices I made. I wish I could tell her that I made all those choices and was able to purse my dreams because of her. She always believed in me and helped me through everything. I am growing closer to my father now, which is a good thing, but I just cant talk to him like I did with mom. I love dad with all my heart, and I know he will be there for me like I will be for him...and I hope we both can make it through this.

 

This is the worst thing I've ever had to face in life, and I'm not sure what to do with myself. I am going back to school this year because I know that if I didn't, mom would kick my butt. I know my friends will help me get through this year...and I know mom will too. I know she is still with me, but I wish I could talk to her and hug her again. 

 

I lost my mom when I was 16.  She got sick with ovarian cancer when I was 12 and lost the fight 4 years later.  I am now 34 years old.  She missed my high school graduation, college graduation, engagement, wedding, and the birth of my children.  And I have missed her every step of the way.  I miss that connection that moms and daughters have.  I am envious of my friends who still have their moms with them.  They can call them for advice when their children are sick and so on.    I could not wait to be a mom.  I wanted to give to my children what I didn't have.   I now have two sons.  I love them with all my heart.  I love being a mom.  However, I am saddened that I wasn't blessed with a daugher.  I wanted nothing more than to have a little girl that i can call my own.   I feel as though I have two losses- one being my mom and the other of the mother- daughter relationship I will never have.

A very close friend of mine is having her first grandchild.  He daughter is pregnant.  She is excited about going to the hospital and being there for her daughter.  I am equally excited, but also saddened.  This is something I didn't have and something I will never have with my own child.  I hate feelign this way and I suppose it will never get easier.  I feel as if I am grieving all over again anytime someone has thier mom while having a baby or someone has a daughter.  I hate it!

Then I read the posts of young girls who are missing thier moms and my heart breaks for them.  I know what it was like to feel "alone" growing up.  I am a grown up and still feel alone.  I am in a household of "men" and yearn for that connection that only women have.  

Does anyone else feel this way without a mom or daughter?

This last week or two has been an emotional up and down, some days i missed her alot, and somedays i did not miss her at all. In history class i learned that this is normal, or at least its normal to still hurt. My history teacher was talking about those major moments and how the pain never gose away, and i felt normal because some times i think there is something wrong with me because i still hurt so bad and so often and she has been dead for almost 7 years. So that was comforting. I am starting to meet more people who are in the same situatinon as me. In my english class there are two guys whos mom died when they were 9 as well. though one is my twin but still. and in my history class there is annother kid that i know of whos mom's dead as well, so i am starting to feal not so alone, but still sorta alone because this is a difficult topic to talk about and i dont really know anny girls my age whos moms are  dead but i am working threw this.

life is still so confuzing, its like i spend most days trying to figure out if this is even real or not, when my mom died i was 9 i would always just pretend that she was just gone, that she was coming back. sometimes i would try to blow out all the dandilen seeds and whish but i could never really get all the seeds to blow out. sometimes i would pretend that my mom was a secret agent and that everything had been staged that one day she was coming back. Also for the longest time i was conviced that this was just a really bad dream that one day i was going to wake up and everything would be back to normal again. sometimes i still think i am in a dream but, over the last year or two i have been able to start to face reality and it sucks, because she i never coming back. I have found that talking about it helps expecially to other girls whos moms are dead. also finding sarrogate moms helps, but sometimes this is difficult because it hurts to let other feamals in at all.

Wow. I haven't been on here in so long and honestly had forgotten that I had even posted on here till I recieved a notification tonight from Kate who lost her mom just 4 days ago. I remember the pain of those days so well. The pain hasn't lessend I have just gotten on my meds for depression and it has numbed me a little and at times I wish I could cry the hurt out and at times I am so thankful for the numbing feeling. And right now is one of the days I am thankful for the numbness. Monday will be the 1 yr anniversary of my moms death.. She was pronounced dead on Saturday Feb. 9th 2008. And that day when I got the phone call I was at the basketball game with my girls who are cheerleaders. And that was also the day they were having their pictures made....and today is the Saturday before her anniversary and what was I doing today? I was at the basketball game with my girls and they were having their pictures made. Wanna talk about a terrible feeling? I wouldn't even answer my phone today at the game.

Now altough it hurts losing my mom and missing her so much, I am doing something positive in honor of my mom. My husband and I are becoming foster parents. Even though we have 3 beautiful girls we are going to open our home to another child who doesn't have the love and security and safety that our girls know. I know my mom would be so proud of me for doing this. Cause see my mom was a victim of molestation when she was a little girl by her sisters husband and although I wasn't even a thought in my moms mind back then I still wished that I could have protected her from that hurt and I look at this as an opportunity to help some other child from becoming that victim. If I can help one child from being hurt then I feel like I will be honoring my moms spirit.

For all who read this I just want to say May God bless you with all his grace and glory and bring you peace of mind to be able to make it through the hard times. ~Angela

that is always a weired thought, that my mom is never coming back.  she has been dead for almost 7 years. she died when i was 9 from a drug overdose. She died may 5th i did not find out untill may 8th it had been awiel sence i last saw her. it was a result of her drug addiction. Lately i have been extreamly overwelmed. Yesterday i blew up and told my grandma that she is not my mom and that i wanted her to stop acting like it. I feal so overwelmed so crazy. so confuzed, but i think this i good its proboaly better than the numness i have felt for so long. when i miss my mom and have emotions i feal real, the rest of the time i dont.

I am 25 years old and my mom passed away just a little over 5 years ago at age 51 . She was diagnosed with breast cancer when I was only 6 months old and after beating the odds she won the fight. She wasn't going to give up because she had so much to live for...three kids that she was determined to watch grow-up and make her proud. "What doesn't kill you will only make you stronger," isn't that the truth...? My mom had went in a 12 year remition and when I was in 7^th grade it was then that I found out for the first time what cancer was and how it was going to affect my family. I never even knew my mom was sick before. I almost felt violated because my parents had never told me. Had I have known, I would have stayed home more often and played less sports just so I could savor every minute together. She was the backbone in our family and I couldn't imagine my life without her. I felt like I was running in a never ending marathon and couldn't catch my breathe. Thoughts of my wedding and having kids without her seemed impossible. I knew my mom was a fighter and she was going to be strong not just for herself but for her husband and but for my two brothers and I. My mom endured chemo for the second time, then a bone marrow transplant to hopefully wipe out the cancer cells for good. The doctors said her prognosis was good and she kept telling me everything was going to be fine, whatever God put on the table we would get through it as a family. She went into another remission and finally cancer free. It felt like the world was lifted off my shoulders. Who would have known that our celebration would shortly be interrupted with bad news in the future. Cancer cells hid during the transplant and started to attack her brain and spine. I remember that day as if it was yesterday...my mom sitting in her hospital bed telling me and my brother to put our boxing gloves back on - we had another fight to win. In the months to come she endured radiation and again luck on her side she beat the 6 week prognosis and went into remission for the third time. The doctors said that my mom's strong will to survive was what kept her going all these years. Due to all the medications, chemo and radiation my mom went through unfortunately she had to jump over another hurdle. My mom had to get a total hip replacement and even though it wasn't as serious as battling cancer, there were still many days of physical therapy and endless nights of midnight bathroom breaks. Even though we all knew my mom was getting tired she always found the time to keep a big smile on her face. Of 8 years on my belt knowing everything my mom went through and what our family went through together I had a completely different view of life. I found myself more mature then friends my own age and always two steps ahead of the game. In Feb 2003 my mom had went into the hospital for her monthly "oil change" and I never would have known that this was going to be the last battle my mom would ever fight. A nurse went to move my moms legs in bed and lifted her by her calves and not by her heels as instructed. The nurse had ripped the skin right off her legs and the doctors could not use stitches because my mom skins was paper thin. They applied special bandages to cover her wounds and said everything will be okay. After being in the hospital for about a week my mom was sent to rehab to build her strength and to learn how to walk again. My mom was on top of her game and it was the strongest I've seen her in years. Aides were supposed to take my mom to OT and PT but almost every day my mom beat them to it. Two weeks went by and finally we could take my moms long anticipated trip back home. My mom wasn't home for long before I knew something was wrong. She had an altered mental status and began to lose her appetite. I called my dad at work and immediately called for an ambulance. Within a ½ hour my mom was back in the place she dreaded most. Who would have known that the day to follow was the last day I had to share with my mom. Who would have known that due to the nurses negligence a few weeks prior, it was going to cost my mom her life. She ended up getting sepsis in her blood and before the doctors caught it, it was too late. Infection started to spread through out her body and started to shut down her organs one by one. Luckily my family was all there to say good bye. My mom had her eyes closed as if she was sleeping. I told her it was okay to let go and told her I will miss her everyday that passes but I will indeed see her again in heaven. I told her that I will be strong for her. The priest came in for a final prayer as I was laying in bed with my mom. He began to walk out the door - my mom opened her eyes for the first time, looked straight at me, and took her last breathe. The sight of me was probably all my mom would have ever asked for to be her last vision alive. We had a beautiful memorial and I learned a lot about my mom that day. Many of our family and friends shared their founded memories of her. I am sure she there looking down on us with her big smile on her face. The poem below is what I read at my mom's memorial. I hope this helps you find closure as it did me... <3 Sharon

God's Garden

 

God looked around His garden
And He found an empty place
He then looked down upon the earth
And saw your precious face

He put His arms around you
And lifted you to rest;
God' s Garden must be beautiful
He always takes the best.

He knew that you were suffering
He knew you were in pain
He knew you' d never ever
Get well on earth again.

So He closed your weary eyelids
And whispered " Peace be thine "
Then He took you up to Heaven
With Hands so gentle and kind.

It broke our hearts to lose you
But you did not go alone,
For part of us went with you
The day God welcomed you home.

    I found my mother passed away December 10th 2007 and yet some how I am relieved in a way. See the only mother I knew was in a wheelchair all my life that I remember. My mother did what she could, but was too sick to come to my cocerts in band or my plays in drama. I don't blame her for why this happened to us it was just ment to be. My mother and I never were close when I was a teenager, you know the quarels of a teenager and their mother they never agree on anything.. I look back now and wish I had been a bit nicer. It wasn't till I moved out that her and I grew closer and I actually listened to her. She was the only one that I could tell anything too and she would tell me her opinion but now, I can't. My mother was 47 years young and never had the chance to experience life to the fullest. The day I found my mother was the worst day of my life, I still can feel the way she felt after she left her body. She looked peaceful sleeping I feel sad that she is gone from this life, but on the other hand I would be selfish if she would have stayed. She had died 3 times before it was her final struggle with this life. My mother fought so hard to stay alive and yet the health care system wouldn't even put her in the hospital to find out what was wrong with her. I feel so selfish to want her here, but I know that isn't what she would want. I found a letter from her the other day that I asked her to write for my daughter. Just to hear her voice in my head while I read the letter was enough to break me down. I miss my mommy so very much it kills me every time I walk into that room where she took her last breath. Now I just have my father who now I fear I will find the same way I did my mother. I just want my mommy to come back and give me advice on how to deal with this. Now mothers day approaches and I have no clue how I'm going to handle it, I hardly handled christmas eve and day let alone the one day that celebrates the woman who gave me life. How do you do that? How do you not go buy a card or make something and not be able to see her expression when you give it to her?

hey everyone ... my names becca. im almost 16 years old. i lost my mom at 14. it happened on oct 11 2006. although a year and a half has past, that night still remains in mymemory clearer then any other. i can honestly say, absolutely nothing is the same from how it was before when i had her comfort. My dad is back to drinking and i cant stand it. He gets so bad to the point where i fear that i might get hurt. The man i would go to and watch sports with and play board games ... isnt there anymore. he has a new girlfriend. Even though i have todl him many itmes how i am not ready and i dont accept it, he insists on calling me a bitch for not letting him be "happy". This might be selfish of me, but dont my feeligns count more then his at this point in my life especially on somthing liek this? shouldnt he care more then anyhtign about what i feel and who this women is? Yes, she is nice, i dont mind her, but i dont deserve the pain that im going through. im strong and i would do anyhtign to make sure im doing wwhats best fro my family, but it goes to a certain point. i have a sister who is 20 in college. i rarely see her but she is my only reason for living. i love her to death she has ALWAYS been there for me on my side. I have an aunt who is my mothers youngest sister. She is also alays there for me. But ... what i need more is ... my mom. yes i have a wonderful sister and a loving aunt and amazing family, but who do i go to when i wanna tlak abtou boys or school, or friends, or drama, or my activities in life? mom? ... no becca remeber ... you dont have her anymore ... she is gone ... forever. im so used to gettign my way or having someoen gve in or putting it off til later ... but forever? there is no break on that or exception or slide by ... im legit ... never gonna see her again, feel her hugs, smell her perfume, touch her beautiful hair, look into her eyes and see her looking back, take a picture with her, see her smile up close, hear her laughs again, or know she is there just in case.

 

 

i wonder what shes doing?

does she know im in pain or can she only see my happiness? ... well theres not much of that now. so she sees rarely anythign of me. i miss her. my life is different and theres no exception or slide by around it. no undo button or rewind. shes gone ... forever.

please if your older and have understood at least one of the things im goign through ... help me or send advice. im 15 and dont know my way around or the answers to things without her.

It's hard to say goodbye to someone who has been a part of your life from the instant you were conceived. On April 24, 2006, I had to say goodbye to my mom. I knew the moment would come; she had been battling cancer for six and a half years, and the fact that she lived through the last three was nothing short of a miracle. But selfishly, I wanted her to keep fighting. I needed her here for me; to be around for all the moments in my life that hadn't happened yet - moments that would seem less scary or more joyful when I shared them with her. Despite this selfishness, it had become painful to see her alive. To see her struggle for every breath, to see her body worn down and beat up, to try to find the essence of who she was hidden inside what was left of her tiny frame, and to see the passion and enthusiasm that used to emit from her dark brown eyes replaced by pain and agony.

You can't prepare yourself for the moment when it's over. That one moment which becomes a perfect and absolute contradiction in your life - simultaneously bringing relief and utter devastation; bringing an end to one grief, and the beginning of a whole new grief. You don't realize how loud emptiness can be until the sound of life is replaced by the quiet that signifies the absence of it.  

Two years after her death, I still yearn for the normal life I had before the diagnosis, before the surgeries, before the chemotherapy, and before the quiet. But I've come to realize that my normal is forever gone. My new life, my redefined "normal," feels kind of like a turtleneck that is a bit too snug around the neck and too short on the arms - making it difficult to breathe normally and leaving me with a constant chill. That discomfort isn't completely unwelcome; it means that her absence in my life is noticeable. The void a mother leaves behind cannot be filled, so really, how could life without her ever be truly normal again?

I know I'll never stop missing her, never stop needing her - but in the cruelest twist of irony, I need her the most because she isn't here. I needed her to help me through my father's remarriage before I was done grieving her death. I need to hear her voice so I don't forget what she sounded like. I need her to teach me how to cook her mother's Lebanese dishes so those traditions don't die with her. And I need her to help me make sense of a world that seems to make no sense without her.

I can't believe that all evidence of her could truly be gone, and so every day I look for her somewhere. In the shape of the clouds, in the whisper of a breeze, in a bird's song, a flower's fragrance, or the flutter of a hummingbird's wings. I search my dreams at night and my memory during the day. Occasionally I feel her warmth; though, it could just be the sun. And sometimes she guides my decisions; though, that could just be my conscience she helped shape. But every now and then, I'm lucky enough to see her smile. And when I do, I know it's her because it appears on a picture of me. It's almost as if, magically, my own smile was replaced momentarily by hers. Just long enough to remind me she's still with me; that I'm not as disconnected from her as I sometimes think. Just long enough to make me feel normal again.

It has only been a month since I buried my mother. This very day 1 month ago I had to lay my mother in the ground and I am so depressed I can't stand it. I can't really talk to anyone about it. Everyone has gone on with their lives.  My husband just talks about work and it is like I am invisible. Here alone to mourn and to hurt and noone sees that I am hurting so bad. Even my brother seems to have moved on. I can't stand this pain. I don't know what to do with myself everyday. I miss her so much and I just look at her picture everyday and think to myself "My god how can you be gone?" I never thought my mother would die. I thought she would live on forever. But she didn't. My mother was my only biological parent in my life. So now I am left parentless. My step dad loves me I know he does but noone can ever take the place of my mom. She was my best friend. The one I talked to when I was feeling down, or scared or happy or whatever the emotion was it was her that I would talk to. Who do I go to now? I don't get the same feeling of peace that I used to get when I would talk to my mom. And my baby is learning to do so much since my mom passed and I can't call her and tell her. She would be so proud of Kristina. She was so proud of her. Out of my 3 girls Kristina was the one who is just like my mom. She looks so much like her and my mom was so proud of her. I can't stand this pain..I just want it to go away. ~Angela

Mom, Easter is almost here and it is another one that I have not been with you. I look at your beautiful face and wonder what it would have been like to see you in person. I haven't had a single Easter with you since I was born and that is a long time. I think of you all the time. Know that I love you and always will. Love, Colleen