MotherlessDaughters.org

I am 25 years old and my mom passed away just a little over 5 years ago at age 51 . She was diagnosed with breast cancer when I was only 6 months old and after beating the odds she won the fight. She wasn't going to give up because she had so much to live for...three kids that she was determined to watch grow-up and make her proud. "What doesn't kill you will only make you stronger," isn't that the truth...? My mom had went in a 12 year remition and when I was in 7^th grade it was then that I found out for the first time what cancer was and how it was going to affect my family. I never even knew my mom was sick before. I almost felt violated because my parents had never told me. Had I have known, I would have stayed home more often and played less sports just so I could savor every minute together. She was the backbone in our family and I couldn't imagine my life without her. I felt like I was running in a never ending marathon and couldn't catch my breathe. Thoughts of my wedding and having kids without her seemed impossible. I knew my mom was a fighter and she was going to be strong not just for herself but for her husband and but for my two brothers and I. My mom endured chemo for the second time, then a bone marrow transplant to hopefully wipe out the cancer cells for good. The doctors said her prognosis was good and she kept telling me everything was going to be fine, whatever God put on the table we would get through it as a family. She went into another remission and finally cancer free. It felt like the world was lifted off my shoulders. Who would have known that our celebration would shortly be interrupted with bad news in the future. Cancer cells hid during the transplant and started to attack her brain and spine. I remember that day as if it was yesterday...my mom sitting in her hospital bed telling me and my brother to put our boxing gloves back on - we had another fight to win. In the months to come she endured radiation and again luck on her side she beat the 6 week prognosis and went into remission for the third time. The doctors said that my mom's strong will to survive was what kept her going all these years. Due to all the medications, chemo and radiation my mom went through unfortunately she had to jump over another hurdle. My mom had to get a total hip replacement and even though it wasn't as serious as battling cancer, there were still many days of physical therapy and endless nights of midnight bathroom breaks. Even though we all knew my mom was getting tired she always found the time to keep a big smile on her face. Of 8 years on my belt knowing everything my mom went through and what our family went through together I had a completely different view of life. I found myself more mature then friends my own age and always two steps ahead of the game. In Feb 2003 my mom had went into the hospital for her monthly "oil change" and I never would have known that this was going to be the last battle my mom would ever fight. A nurse went to move my moms legs in bed and lifted her by her calves and not by her heels as instructed. The nurse had ripped the skin right off her legs and the doctors could not use stitches because my mom skins was paper thin. They applied special bandages to cover her wounds and said everything will be okay. After being in the hospital for about a week my mom was sent to rehab to build her strength and to learn how to walk again. My mom was on top of her game and it was the strongest I've seen her in years. Aides were supposed to take my mom to OT and PT but almost every day my mom beat them to it. Two weeks went by and finally we could take my moms long anticipated trip back home. My mom wasn't home for long before I knew something was wrong. She had an altered mental status and began to lose her appetite. I called my dad at work and immediately called for an ambulance. Within a ½ hour my mom was back in the place she dreaded most. Who would have known that the day to follow was the last day I had to share with my mom. Who would have known that due to the nurses negligence a few weeks prior, it was going to cost my mom her life. She ended up getting sepsis in her blood and before the doctors caught it, it was too late. Infection started to spread through out her body and started to shut down her organs one by one. Luckily my family was all there to say good bye. My mom had her eyes closed as if she was sleeping. I told her it was okay to let go and told her I will miss her everyday that passes but I will indeed see her again in heaven. I told her that I will be strong for her. The priest came in for a final prayer as I was laying in bed with my mom. He began to walk out the door - my mom opened her eyes for the first time, looked straight at me, and took her last breathe. The sight of me was probably all my mom would have ever asked for to be her last vision alive. We had a beautiful memorial and I learned a lot about my mom that day. Many of our family and friends shared their founded memories of her. I am sure she there looking down on us with her big smile on her face. The poem below is what I read at my mom's memorial. I hope this helps you find closure as it did me... <3 Sharon

God's Garden

 

God looked around His garden
And He found an empty place
He then looked down upon the earth
And saw your precious face

He put His arms around you
And lifted you to rest;
God' s Garden must be beautiful
He always takes the best.

He knew that you were suffering
He knew you were in pain
He knew you' d never ever
Get well on earth again.

So He closed your weary eyelids
And whispered " Peace be thine "
Then He took you up to Heaven
With Hands so gentle and kind.

It broke our hearts to lose you
But you did not go alone,
For part of us went with you
The day God welcomed you home.

    I found my mother passed away December 10th 2007 and yet some how I am relieved in a way. See the only mother I knew was in a wheelchair all my life that I remember. My mother did what she could, but was too sick to come to my cocerts in band or my plays in drama. I don't blame her for why this happened to us it was just ment to be. My mother and I never were close when I was a teenager, you know the quarels of a teenager and their mother they never agree on anything.. I look back now and wish I had been a bit nicer. It wasn't till I moved out that her and I grew closer and I actually listened to her. She was the only one that I could tell anything too and she would tell me her opinion but now, I can't. My mother was 47 years young and never had the chance to experience life to the fullest. The day I found my mother was the worst day of my life, I still can feel the way she felt after she left her body. She looked peaceful sleeping I feel sad that she is gone from this life, but on the other hand I would be selfish if she would have stayed. She had died 3 times before it was her final struggle with this life. My mother fought so hard to stay alive and yet the health care system wouldn't even put her in the hospital to find out what was wrong with her. I feel so selfish to want her here, but I know that isn't what she would want. I found a letter from her the other day that I asked her to write for my daughter. Just to hear her voice in my head while I read the letter was enough to break me down. I miss my mommy so very much it kills me every time I walk into that room where she took her last breath. Now I just have my father who now I fear I will find the same way I did my mother. I just want my mommy to come back and give me advice on how to deal with this. Now mothers day approaches and I have no clue how I'm going to handle it, I hardly handled christmas eve and day let alone the one day that celebrates the woman who gave me life. How do you do that? How do you not go buy a card or make something and not be able to see her expression when you give it to her?

hey everyone ... my names becca. im almost 16 years old. i lost my mom at 14. it happened on oct 11 2006. although a year and a half has past, that night still remains in mymemory clearer then any other. i can honestly say, absolutely nothing is the same from how it was before when i had her comfort. My dad is back to drinking and i cant stand it. He gets so bad to the point where i fear that i might get hurt. The man i would go to and watch sports with and play board games ... isnt there anymore. he has a new girlfriend. Even though i have todl him many itmes how i am not ready and i dont accept it, he insists on calling me a bitch for not letting him be "happy". This might be selfish of me, but dont my feeligns count more then his at this point in my life especially on somthing liek this? shouldnt he care more then anyhtign about what i feel and who this women is? Yes, she is nice, i dont mind her, but i dont deserve the pain that im going through. im strong and i would do anyhtign to make sure im doing wwhats best fro my family, but it goes to a certain point. i have a sister who is 20 in college. i rarely see her but she is my only reason for living. i love her to death she has ALWAYS been there for me on my side. I have an aunt who is my mothers youngest sister. She is also alays there for me. But ... what i need more is ... my mom. yes i have a wonderful sister and a loving aunt and amazing family, but who do i go to when i wanna tlak abtou boys or school, or friends, or drama, or my activities in life? mom? ... no becca remeber ... you dont have her anymore ... she is gone ... forever. im so used to gettign my way or having someoen gve in or putting it off til later ... but forever? there is no break on that or exception or slide by ... im legit ... never gonna see her again, feel her hugs, smell her perfume, touch her beautiful hair, look into her eyes and see her looking back, take a picture with her, see her smile up close, hear her laughs again, or know she is there just in case.

 

 

i wonder what shes doing?

does she know im in pain or can she only see my happiness? ... well theres not much of that now. so she sees rarely anythign of me. i miss her. my life is different and theres no exception or slide by around it. no undo button or rewind. shes gone ... forever.

please if your older and have understood at least one of the things im goign through ... help me or send advice. im 15 and dont know my way around or the answers to things without her.

It's hard to say goodbye to someone who has been a part of your life from the instant you were conceived. On April 24, 2006, I had to say goodbye to my mom. I knew the moment would come; she had been battling cancer for six and a half years, and the fact that she lived through the last three was nothing short of a miracle. But selfishly, I wanted her to keep fighting. I needed her here for me; to be around for all the moments in my life that hadn't happened yet - moments that would seem less scary or more joyful when I shared them with her. Despite this selfishness, it had become painful to see her alive. To see her struggle for every breath, to see her body worn down and beat up, to try to find the essence of who she was hidden inside what was left of her tiny frame, and to see the passion and enthusiasm that used to emit from her dark brown eyes replaced by pain and agony.

You can't prepare yourself for the moment when it's over. That one moment which becomes a perfect and absolute contradiction in your life - simultaneously bringing relief and utter devastation; bringing an end to one grief, and the beginning of a whole new grief. You don't realize how loud emptiness can be until the sound of life is replaced by the quiet that signifies the absence of it.  

Two years after her death, I still yearn for the normal life I had before the diagnosis, before the surgeries, before the chemotherapy, and before the quiet. But I've come to realize that my normal is forever gone. My new life, my redefined "normal," feels kind of like a turtleneck that is a bit too snug around the neck and too short on the arms - making it difficult to breathe normally and leaving me with a constant chill. That discomfort isn't completely unwelcome; it means that her absence in my life is noticeable. The void a mother leaves behind cannot be filled, so really, how could life without her ever be truly normal again?

I know I'll never stop missing her, never stop needing her - but in the cruelest twist of irony, I need her the most because she isn't here. I needed her to help me through my father's remarriage before I was done grieving her death. I need to hear her voice so I don't forget what she sounded like. I need her to teach me how to cook her mother's Lebanese dishes so those traditions don't die with her. And I need her to help me make sense of a world that seems to make no sense without her.

I can't believe that all evidence of her could truly be gone, and so every day I look for her somewhere. In the shape of the clouds, in the whisper of a breeze, in a bird's song, a flower's fragrance, or the flutter of a hummingbird's wings. I search my dreams at night and my memory during the day. Occasionally I feel her warmth; though, it could just be the sun. And sometimes she guides my decisions; though, that could just be my conscience she helped shape. But every now and then, I'm lucky enough to see her smile. And when I do, I know it's her because it appears on a picture of me. It's almost as if, magically, my own smile was replaced momentarily by hers. Just long enough to remind me she's still with me; that I'm not as disconnected from her as I sometimes think. Just long enough to make me feel normal again.

It has only been a month since I buried my mother. This very day 1 month ago I had to lay my mother in the ground and I am so depressed I can't stand it. I can't really talk to anyone about it. Everyone has gone on with their lives.  My husband just talks about work and it is like I am invisible. Here alone to mourn and to hurt and noone sees that I am hurting so bad. Even my brother seems to have moved on. I can't stand this pain. I don't know what to do with myself everyday. I miss her so much and I just look at her picture everyday and think to myself "My god how can you be gone?" I never thought my mother would die. I thought she would live on forever. But she didn't. My mother was my only biological parent in my life. So now I am left parentless. My step dad loves me I know he does but noone can ever take the place of my mom. She was my best friend. The one I talked to when I was feeling down, or scared or happy or whatever the emotion was it was her that I would talk to. Who do I go to now? I don't get the same feeling of peace that I used to get when I would talk to my mom. And my baby is learning to do so much since my mom passed and I can't call her and tell her. She would be so proud of Kristina. She was so proud of her. Out of my 3 girls Kristina was the one who is just like my mom. She looks so much like her and my mom was so proud of her. I can't stand this pain..I just want it to go away. ~Angela

Mom, Easter is almost here and it is another one that I have not been with you. I look at your beautiful face and wonder what it would have been like to see you in person. I haven't had a single Easter with you since I was born and that is a long time. I think of you all the time. Know that I love you and always will. Love, Colleen 

My mom died February 12,2008 while on vacation at the young age of 55.  We live in Ohio and my mom and dad drove their motorhome to Florida for vacation.  She had a bad cough when she left and I asked her if she went to the doctor and she said no she would go to urgent care if needed when she got there.  The night before they left she felt the need to tell me where all of her banking papers were and lock box keys were and laughed and said my brother gets more inheritance than me.  When my daughter and I left that night she told me she loved me with such conviction and watched me as I pulled out of the drive and how I know this is because I watched her too.  I loved that woman more than I can explain.  I have a few good friends, but my mom was my best.  My brother and I drove 17 hours straight through to get to her before her surgery and thank God we made it.  She could have walked out of that place.  She was so relieved to see us and us to see her.  She had an anuerysm the size of a marble in the base of the brain.  The odds were 2percent chance of death during the coiling operation and 1 percent chance of stroke.  A half an hour after the surgery started they came in and told us everything was going good, 20 minutes later the surgeon came in and told us that the anuerysm ruptured and he truly thought my mom would pass, but they did everything they could to save her and the next 12 hours would determine her state.  I sat and held her and begged God and her to pull through, but when they told us her brain was not functioning at a normal capacity, all we could do was wait.  She looked so beautiful laying there, but she was not at all peaceful, her heart was beating so fast that her breathing was labored and they told me then they thought her heart would give out, but it did not.  We hadn't slept in almost 72 hours at this point and we were slowly breaking down.  Waiting, waiting , waiting for God to make a decision.  My husband flew into FLA with my sister-in-law to be with us. My dad and mom's friends that were vacationing also never left our sides.  We knew things were bad, she could not open her eyes, she could not respond at all.  I just prayed that she could hear us.  I prayed so hard for God to show himself and although I may not be deservant of a miracle my mom was.  She deserved it, or she atleast deserved not to be in pain.  I prayed for him to make the decision that we did not have to, a decision all to many people have to make about a loved one when there is so much uncertainty.  I yelled at Him and begged him for his help and I thought he was never there.  My moms brain swelled so much that it herniated and ultimately there was no brain activity.  And although God didn't answer the prayer I wanted him to, he was there, he made the decision for us.  God was there the whole time with us, we did not know it at first, but for every nurse that held me, for every aide that rubbed my hair, for the gift shop attendant that held my dads hand, or the nutrionalist that held my dad in the sanctuary as he broke down and the information desk people that got us a room when there were no rooms, to the floor cleaner telling us to be positive and the donor rep to cry when talking to us about our mom.  That is God's Love, am I angry with him, yes, but I understand why he wanted my mom so bad.  You know the donor rep said to us that the autopsy  would take ablout 6 months to get back unless of course he said your are a celebrity, and I laughed and told him you didn't know my mom.  Over 1200 people came to my moms calling hours...so to me she will always be a superstar.

My mother passed away when I was only 7 months old. I am now 55. She was only 22 and died of polio. It has been a lifelong journey into pain and sorrow for the loss of the woman who gave me birth. Not knowing what she was like has been like a stab in the heart. I miss her so. Some would wonder how you can miss someone you never knew, but it is easy. At least I have pictures. I was raised by her parents with my older brother and sister and I won't go into details that would be long and boring, but I was never told anything about her and my father was barely around. There are times I have such a deep hole inside of me that I know can only be filled by her. But that's not to happen. So one is expected to go on. Easier said than done. 

My mother passed away christmas eve 2007 at the young age of 60.  She battled pancreatic cancer for a year and a half but was misdiagnosed for a year of it.  She suffered and kept a brave face and a strong positive attitude.  I live in Florida and she lived in upstate NY.  It wasn't easy for me to see her but I talked to her every day. Even before she was diagnosed, we would talk if not every day then every other.  She was more than a mother to me, she was my best friend.  It has been a month and a half since she passed and everyday is a new challenge.  I try to talk to her daily but I feel so lost and empty inside.  I know I have to be brave and go on daily for my own daughter who is four.  But it is so hard because I think of how much my mother my mother loved my daughter.  It also killed me to think of how little she got to see her due to our distance.  I hate to think of my daughter growing up not knowing how special and loving and wonderful my mother was.  Stories will help but to feel her hug or hear her voice made you feel her love. I am having a very hard time dealing with the grief, some times I think I will be okay but other times I can't breathe it hurts so bad.

Lots of activities going on. I made some new friends, lost two friends. One was a very sad loss, the other not so sad. But its ok life goes on.

Getting through Christmas again will be hard.  

It has been 33 days since I last got to see my mom; she passed that same day.  I hadn't seen her in almost 4 months since we don't live nearby.  After she passed I was told about the stages of grief and not to hold anything back, but how can you not?  Everyday I want to break down and cry and yell but I can't.  I just feel like everytime I give in to those emotions it makes it real.  So, as I keep going on and pretending that I'm not a total wreck inside apparently I've let some anger build up inside of me.  I took it all out on my husband last night.  The one person I never should have said such awful things to, but I did.  I didn't even know I was angry until that moment and I just snapped.  Not only do I feel awful for that, but I keep thinking of my mom and how disappointed she would be in me for acting like that.  The only thing I ever wanted was to make her proud of me, which I feel like I had done, but for some reason the way I treated my husband last night absolutely breaks my heart because I know how she would react to that.  How crazy am I for worrying about how my mom would respond?!?  I feel like my entire world has fallen apart and no matter how "normal" I try to act it just doesn't work.  I never thought that life was fair but I also never imagined it could be this cruel.  My mom had cancer and fought like hell but for some reason it just didn't work.  She was my best friend and the only person I have ever felt knew me completely and would never let me down.  I don't know how to handle not having her here.  How do you go on with your day to day routine without breaking down in the middle of it??  I just want to cry and yell and have my mom back.

I guess the only one who really understands me is God.

I just laid there on her bed holding her beautiful hand rubbing it, kissing her hand. Telling her I love her and that we had to watch Joyce Meyer. She needed to get more Jesus before she met HIM. She just laid there holding on to my hand and having these tubes in her nose and an oxygen reader telling how much she's breathing. Watching the clock, wondering when the next time to give her the next dosage of meds. (which was like every 2-4 hours.) At this moment I prayed God would take her home. She has been sick for a long time and I know I did everything I could possibly do as a daughter, as a person, as me. This time I had to give the rest to my FATHER. (Which wasn't hard, it was actually easy, loving and peacful all rolled into one)

I laid on my old bed, looking at the Bible knowing it was looking back at me telling me to open it up and go to John. I couldn't dare face the truth, but knew I had to.  SO I opened the Bible up looked where Jesus told me to look and all I got was

" You will go through your pain and grieve, until you see me again you sorrow will have turned into Joy."

I didn't understand. Would I see my mom again? I trust the Lord, as a matter of fact, I just put complete faith in Him.

The next day, she got worse and needed to go to the hospital. When she got there and they put her on morphine and hospice came in to talk with the family, to let us know it's just a matter of time, a matter of her last breath. I just held her hand, kissed it and prayed. I would brush her soft hair to the side lean in on her tell her I love her.

That night I was so tired, and my youngest (at that time was 2 months old) fell asleep my husband and I went to bed. Not knowing if she would have 1 more day or eternity.

I saw darkness as most do when we are sleeping, and then slowly appeared a light, a white yellowish light shining through a tunnel like. Then I saw at what looked like a dot from a pencil on a piece of paper coming closer and as I looked deeper I saw this georgous man with brown wavy hair, brown eyes, well groomed, and this off white robe. HE reached out HIS arms in this loving way "Come to me" I was so afraid. "Do not be afraid." was responded back. HIS arms still reaching out and coming closer to me I started to see the Sacred Heart beaming from this man's chest, along his waist what I saw was a brown rope tied.  Brown sandals that soon disappeared and replaced by steady fire. This man came so close to me, That's when it hit me..........................JESUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The phone woke me up my aunt telling me my mom passed on. I was completely speechless, and really all I could do was thank HIM! I ran to my living room got on my knees and Thanked the Lord. Not only from taking my mom's suffering away but revealing not only Himself to me through faith but revealing The FATHER, THE SON, AND THE HOLY SPIRIT! Telling me before hand and then doing it. It gave me so much peace.  My mom is in better hands now!

It is now almost a full year since my mother's death. HE understood my pain, my grief, my loss, my gain. HE understood it all more than anybody ever could. I have recieved many more holy dreams. I have never forgotten them. I till this day cling to HIM. People think I'm crazy, it was just a dream, I say it was FAITH. It was Truth. It was Life. HE is the only WAY. My Father is so good to me! My Father Loves me!

I go to the cemetary to talk to my mom, tell her I miss her, and yet tell her I can't wait for the day to be with not only her at this big wooden table with branches all around it,  and a huge vine in the center of the table with a pretty angel. At the head of the table stands Jesus holding His arms out for everyone who wants HIM! Amen!

God Bless!

Jennifer

i love my mom, and sometimes i wish i never knew her because it would have been better never to have lost her.

 

when she first went just under a year and 5 months i actually thought i was going to die; i wanted to die, i thought that i couldn't actually be without her and i realised even though i thought i was an adult i was still a little girl; i was 21 when she died 4 weeks before my 22nd birthday.

i never knew she was going to die, she had been diagnosed with adult t cell lymphoma luekaemia but she was so strong and even though the doctors gave a poor prgnosis she was so stoic that i let myself believe her when she said that we would get through this.

 

i was studying for my degree at the time and she wouldn't let me come home to be with her she wanted so much for me to go to university and she was so proud of me but while i was there i felt so awful i couldn't concentrate and so i felt like i was letting her down. she fought for one year five months and twelve days two months and twelve days before she died she told me she was in remission so i ploughed on planning for the future thinking of all the things we were going to do together again just like before.

when i first found out she was sick i went dizzy and i was seriously contemplating asking my boyfriend to marry me and having a baby just so she could be there with me while i did all those things, that's why i feel like a little girl now because in my mind mommy had yet to show me through preganancy help me pick my dress smile at me as my degree was conferred upon me; be proud when i became a woman and guide me on my path. but now she's not here and i sit nearly every day crying for my mom like a baby. i dream of her all the time and i have had about 3 where i swear it was her after she went i dreamt we were at home and in my dream she was dead and i knew because i was crynig for her asking her not to leave me and she held me and told me that i should stop crying now- she hated to see me cry i know i sound like a loon.

i had finished my finals when i called my mom like i did every day just to pep her up and she was short with me so i called my dad and he told me that she was going to die and there was nothing that the doctors could do i couldn't believe it i told him to put me back on to my mom and i kinda shouted at her i asked her who told you that who said that and she sounded tired i think she might have started to cry but i don't know cos that's when my dad took the phone and told me. i went inside i wretched i cried with my friends called my boyfriend and told him that i was going to need him and that it would be hard- he looked at me blanky as only a man can and cuddled me. i got my bag to go home to see her and my fella drove me to the station my friends took me to the platform and we waited for the train and i couldn't get on it when it came i was so scared i didn't want to see her so i stayed another night away and went in the morning. i was too late. she had deteriorated so much she couldn't talk when i came in daddy was carrying her and he fell when he saw me she was so thin just bones she was so tired she couldn't even hold her head up i think it was two days later she died i lay next to her as my dad worked nights at the time and i missed being near her. being near her was something that i did i used to love sitting by her or at her feet, i'd lay my head on her shoulder we were always tactile always nudging :o) when i lay next to her i held her hand and in my heart i said to her that she should stop now that it was ok she was suffering she had become the exact opposite of herself imobile silent apart from her ragged breathing all i wanted at that moment was for her to be at res, but then she died somehow i knew that that breath she took was her last it was so long she breathed out unitl there was no air left in her and that was it i lay beside her and i think just for that moment it was so peaceful and i remember saying in my heart it is done it's finished. my little brother wasn't sleeping on the bed and i called to him to check her pulse the panick had set in and i was fighting the urge to try and revive her he listened to her chest and when he didn't hear anything he cradled her head and just said shit, i rememebr sayin to him say something and he just looked at me and said that there was nothing to say; he was only 15 at the time.

she died with her eyes open and we dressed her body and i slept by her until the next day after night it was awful everyone came in and the wake began i was supposed to go on holiday that week but my dad wouldn't let me i really just wanted to run away but he wouldn't let me. my kid brother was so strong i remember suddenly realising that he was just like mommy he stayed with me to look after me.

 

i miss her and it hurts me not just like sadness but like real pain at first i hurt all the time but at the same time i couldn't feel anything looking back now i realise that my grief started to mainfest itself in poor health i was sick with colds all the time i was one of those people who got a cold once every two years or soemthing silly like that and it would be major but last only a short while after mommy died i had weird rashes on my face colds back pain, thrush. i'm suffering from minor illnesses now but i dont think my immune system has pepped up yet it's been a long time and i dont want to feel sad anymore sometimes i don't but like now with my dads new girlfriend in the house it's sent me realling back to turmoil i dont know how to stop feeling this how to fix myself?

 September 28, 2007.  I saw my mother five years and six months ago today and she was alive.   I had been to her house to visit for two weeks from Iceland.  I took my 3 month old daughter home for her to hold for the first time.  While I was home we went out to eat every day, we played bingo as much as possible, we stayed up all night listening to Alan Jackson "Drive" and we played slots on the computer, it was the best trip home I ever had.  One night she told me, "I won't be here five more years, I won't live that long."  I was angry, I was hurt she could say that.  I just blew her off and said, "Yes you will, stop saying that."  I told her we would pcs soon and i'd see her all the time. 

 My Mother was everyone's best friend, everyone loved her.  She was no saint, but she was a lot of fun.  She had a temper, we called her Atilla.  She loved gambling and good gossip.  She was famous for asking two questions of everyone, what'd you eat and did anyone ask about me?  Her hero was the lady from Mama's family and she always caught the show if it was airing before bingo.  She was the family historian and the glue that kept everyone together.  She might of not seen Randall for 2 months, but she could tell you what he had for dinner and who he ran into at wal-mart.  Everyone in our house knew that when Mama went to bed she needed ice water, and if anyone else was home she wasn't gonna make it herself.  Turn out her light?  No, she didn't do that either, that was part of your job after you delivered her ice water. 

 She used to say she was sure they had Bingo in heaven, but she wasn't sure about markers.  She used to tell us we had to bury her on a Saturday, we couldn't do it on Sunday because all her friends would be at Bingo and she didn't expect them to miss that.  Norman had to do her funeral of course, he does the best funerals, her little brother that she brags about to everyone.  He lived up to her expectations and I put 3 markers in her casket, just in case. 

 We buried her on a Saturday in June,  3 months after I saw her last.  The last time we were together she was dropping me off at the airport, she hugged me, crushed me to her chest, and she said, "I always loved you the best."  I remember the perfume she was wearing, I remember everything about that moment, its the last one I want to remember.  I don't want to remember the phone call, "Come home soon, your mama's dying soon."  I don't want to remember the next call, waiting for my plane, "I'm sorry Baby, your mama's gone, she just couldn't hold on anymore."  I don't want to remember the shock and terror and disbelief I felt when I saw her in that coffin and realized its really true, I don't have a mother.   I don't want to remember how it felt to have my soul ripped out and shoved back in, but it doesn't fit right anymore.  The edges are jagged and sharp and sometimes I still get cut on the edges.  I have a bottle of her perfume on my dresser but I rarely open it because sometimes it hurts to remember your mothers perfume. 

 I will miss her everyday for the rest of my life until I see her again and she asks me what i've had to eat and what everyone has been saying about her.  I wonder if she would be proud of me, I wish she could hold my children. I wonder if she knows how much I love her.  I wonder when I will stop feeling like i'm so alone and no one understands why I still cry after all these years. My daughter reminds me of her, I see her in her eyes.  She acts like her, she talks like her, she always wants me to bring her a drink in bed.  She was only 7 months old when Mama died but she talks about her all the time.  She told me if my Mom was here we would go to bingo and eat chicken.  I don't know how she knows about bingo and eating chicken with Mama.  Tonight I was putting her in bed and she hugged me and looked at me with my mothers eyes and she said, "I'll always love you the best." 

 I went in my room and I opened that bottle and I remembered my mothers perfume.  I took a deep breath and for a second I felt her arms around me again, crushing me to her chest, and in the distance I heard "I always loved you the best."  For a minute suddenly I didn't feel so alone. 

 

 

 

As I looked through my jewelry box to pick out a necklace for the day, I was drawn to my gold, four-leaf clover necklace, which has great meaning for me.  In a separate post on my blog, www.spiritualthingsmatter.com,, "Love's Mysteries," I wrote how it came about that I acquired such a treasure.  Please do read it if you desire to do so.

This little four-leaf gold clover pendant was a gift from a school teacher that I had in the 3rd-6th grade.  We shared a special love for each other that could only be felt, but was never spoken of, until separation came.  My dear friend is in her seventies now, living alone and I make a point to call her once a week.  I could not afford this privilege in my younger years.  Our conversations are meaningful, as we have shared many of our deepest thoughts and feelings for life itself.  I love her dearly to this day.

 As I left my orphanage in Germany to move to America, that pendant was a treasrue that I held on to.  I had never received a gift such as this, one that truly came from the heart.  The emotions that came with it were filled with love, confusion, sadness and tears, and yet, I cherished it becasue it acknowledged my existence on a deeper level to someone.  I faced incredibly hard times with the family I came to live with and this pendant represented hope for better days ahead.

My father, whom I had only known for a short time, eventually divorced and left a very abusive and oppressive relationship behind, for which I was all too thankful.  Much of the abuse and oppression was directed at me, as it seemed that this woman needed to vent her hate and anger out on someone.

A number of years later, when my father had made an effort to turn his life around and make a commitment to God, he began a new relationship with a lady, of whom I was also very fond.  She was a woman minister and perhaps, that is what drew me to her.  This relationship was not destined to last very long but as I look back, I took note of this longing that manifested itself in me.

When it looked like that my father and this very nice lady were developing a deeper relationship, I looked at this precious clover pendant and decided to give it as a gift to her.  The hope it represented was something I wanted to give to her, as I knew she did not have an easy life herself - or perhaps, it was the hope I had all my life for a mother.  I was only 16 years old and I was swept away with ideals and dreams, sentimentality and girlish notions of what it would mean to have a loving mother in my life.  Foolishly, without further thought, I sat down and wrote a nice letter, telling her of the story behind this pendant. (Since I had only been speaking English for two years at that point, I wonder how many words I must have misspelled.) I then wrapped it nicely, and presented the gift to her with all the tenderness and love I had in me.

Over the years, I had regretted my short sightedness and wished that I had not given away such a priceless treasure.  I had searched for this pendant after I found out that this lady had lost it or perhaps even given it away herself.  I have never been able to find one like it and so after my daughter was born, I decided to have another one made.  I drew a picture of the original as I had rememberd it, and took it to a local jeweler.  They did a nice enough job but its delicateness was not captured and of course, its meaning is not the same.

This four-leaf gold clover is a representation, however, of love that I received and love that I gave away.  It is a reminder of love that I hoped for all my life and a vivid picture of how love is not packaged in a nice little neat box, but rather it can come to us mysteriously when least expected, suddenly, and in the most unusal ways.  Those moments must be cherished as they reveal to us God's divine hand in our lives.  Those moments bring hope and activate faith in us with deep conviction that life is far greater than what we simply see with our eyes.

As I have gotten older, I reflect on my relationship with women with whom I have come in contact with over the years.  I recognize that my relationships with them have often been colored by the absence of a mother in my llife, and sometimes by my inward, often unconscious yearning for one.  I have read a couple of books on "Motherless Daughters" and I wept as I recognized myself on its pages and began to understand myself better.  The struggles with fears of rejection and dealing with rejections, from women especially - have been painful to say the least.  Insecurities about our place in this world, desires for understanding and recognition, sharing too much, sharing not enough, and forging meaningful relationships, have all been dilemmas and emotions that I have profoundly lived and felt.

I have risen above many of those fears of abandonment and self-pity, which I could only do through an honest relationships with God.  More often than not, however, I would fall again and again on my knees with so much pain before I could find a clearer inward path for myself, as I would cry out in agony for God to help.

Be it as a mother, a sister, a wife, a friend, a daughter, or a co-worker, I believe women have tremendous power in their lives.  I think this power, when used lovingly and creatively can bring so much healing to others.  It can bring comfort through sheer kindness and thoughtfulness.  It can lift a spirit through a gentle touch and a warm embrace.  It can bring clarity through the wisdom and insight we possess.  Women's sensitivity could bring so much harmony and peace into our world.  In their commitment, women can bring great changes into their homes and into their societies through their unfailing devotion and prayer to God.

Many have had mothers they lost in some form or fashion.  Many have had mothers by birth but for some reason or another, they were not able to truly nurture their child.  Many in our world yearn for love, kindness and gentleness that they have lost or simply never received.  It is amazing how much humanity would heal if they were given this gift of unselfish love freely.  It is dangerous to judge people when you have never walked in their shoes.  Further damage can ensue from such a choice.  We are in this world to support and help each other along the way - not to judge.  All of us have very limited understanding of the greater scheme of things and yes indeeed, all of us have much, much work to do.

Through greater awareness and commitment to a spiritual life, it is amazing how many opportunities come our way where we can excersice kindness and compassion for another.  Let us seize those opportunities - for the gift of love is freely given!

My pendant was given to me by someone who wanted to be my mother but could not.  I gave it to someone who I wished could have given me a motherly love.  I now wear it as a symbol, reminding me that I must no longe rlook outside of myself.  The Kingdom of God is within and its radiating love far surpasses that of a well meaning, yet limiting mother's love - allowing my hopes and dreams to be set on things above.  I am deeply humbled and thankful for God's presence and love in my life.

I remember where i was when i first heard Princess Diana had died, I was sitting in the backyard of my home that I had shared with my mum, dad and two sisters for most of my life. My Nanna walked out into the yard shaking her head saying that Diana had been killed in a car crash and you could see her struggling with grief. Grief not caused by Diana, but by the death of her own daughter (my mother) just days earlier. I was sitting in the backyard away from the crying aunties, distraught relatives and i can't describe my father, whom looked as though he had lost everything. It's been almost ten years since she passed, I thought i was going ok without her, that i had pulled what was left of my life together and was going to carry on because thats what mum would of wanted. Thats when it went a bit pear shaped, watching tv last night and the replay of the concert for Diana was on and i got really angry and thought 'what about my mum?! where's her bloody concert! She was so special, She was the most important thing in the world to me! Why isn't the world remembering her!'  And people on the telly going on about brave Prince Harry and William struggling to survive without their mother. What about the other children in the world who lost a parent? What about me? What about my loss? DOES NO ONE CARE THAT MY MUM DIED! I knew that i needed to talk to someone, but i get embarrassed trying to talk to my friends about my mum,( I think that they think i am looking for sympathy) they weren't there when she died, they didn't know her and they couldn't possibly understand. I need to tell someone that she wasn't meant to die, and how the ambulance drove past the street and i chased after it. About how much my dad drank and that my older sister who was only 19 became mother to me and my younger sister and how it caused her to have a nervous breakdown. Someone who understands how dark the days were in the first years after she died. How the whole family was affected. How i wish i could go back to the happy family days, the five of us together on holidays in QLD, chicken noodle soup on sundays and mum picking me up from school as a surprise. The big events that mum wasn't there for, the big events to come that she won't be there for. I guess thats all i feel like saying right now, I am not really angry at Diana, Just angry.

The phone rang at 10:30 at night, it was my sister. My stomach dropped and I knew something was wrong. She never called that late. I answered and I heard her sob, I ran out of my apartment, I ran into the front yard. My sister never cried. "What happened? What happened?".

The next night I stood at my mother's side in the hospital. I struggled to smile for her, "Just rest, don't try to talk, no big deal, it's okay!". She looked so small, like a child. How could that be my mom. This isn't happening. This isn't happening. She doesn't look right. She looks very sick. What is happening? She went to sleep.

One week later the Doctor stood staring at us. 'She's not waking up'. My sister, father and me. No one could speak. My dad cried like a little boy. My big sister could not protect me. And we all agreed what needed to be done. I want to die too. I was terrified. We were with her that night. I looked at the clock and it was 1:30AM. I held her hand. I talked to her. I hoped she could hear me. We all stood with her. I told her to go, to find her peace. Her last breath.

That was alittle under two years ago. It was that week that haunts me still, the memory and images still linger and occassionaly jump out like a punch to the stomach. I can't write the details. Writing such a simplistic narrative as that was enough to get me crying again. But the pain becomes less sharp as time goes on. I'm living my life again. I cry, and I accept that as something that I'll always do. I can't change what happened. Life keeps coming. Sink or swim. Maybe we'll do a little of both.

My name is Jennie and I am 25 years old. Just to sum it up: My sisters are nuts and all I had in my life was my husband and mom. My mother walked me down the aisle at my December 30th, 2006 wedding. That was the last time I saw her. She technically had emphysema, but it was not to a really bad stage yet. 3 weeks after my wedding she was found dead in her apartment. He heart or lungs or both quit. Needless to say my husband and I have had a really hard start to our marriage. I am seeing a therapist, I am a firm believer in therapy. No drugs ever or alcohol, other than the occasional glass of champagne. I have random rages of anger. Somehow I managed to finish my Spring semester with only one B and the rest A's. I am a full time student. My husband works full time and is working towards his MBA. On Mother's Day I bought a puppy. She has helped a lot. My mom's birthday was in May, so that was hard too. My graduation was in May, so May truly sucked. June 8th, my niece graduated high school, again it sucked. She was not there and I wish she had been. I am doing better all the time and at least my willingness to get better has come back. Before that I could have cared less. Thanks for listening.

my first mothers day without her.  this is so very hard, no on one seems to understand. i try not to think about all the other daughters/sons celebrating this day, but it is thrown in my face with commercials & ads to sell product. my husband had to work today, so i am all alone. maybe its better that way..?

my sister & i planted a tree on my pap's farm in honor of her.  i miss her so much. her smile, laugh & voice. this is dedicated to the BEST mother in the WORLD..Patricia E Olenchak.

will it be any better next year...will it be any better tomorrow??? 

 

it'll be a 2 months next week since shes been gone. I also leave for hawaii next week to take care of her estate. It'll be hard to clean out her stuff. i think this will be my toughest test. i am much too young to have to do this. i am certain this will be the hardest thing i've ever done. i will be traveling over by myself. Which in a way could be good...have time to myself, but also be very upsetting that i will have no one their w/ me.