I feel like a little girl

i love my mom, and sometimes i wish i never knew her because it would have been better never to have lost her.

when she first went just under a year and 5 months i actually thought i was going to die; i wanted to die, i thought that i couldn't actually be without her and i realised even though i thought i was an adult i was still a little girl; i was 21 when she died 4 weeks before my 22nd birthday.

i never knew she was going to die, she had been diagnosed with adult t cell lymphoma luekaemia but she was so strong and even though the doctors gave a poor prgnosis she was so stoic that i let myself believe her when she said that we would get through this.

i was studying for my degree at the time and she wouldn't let me come home to be with her she wanted so much for me to go to university and she was so proud of me but while i was there i felt so awful i couldn't concentrate and so i felt like i was letting her down. she fought for one year five months and twelve days two months and twelve days before she died she told me she was in remission so i ploughed on planning for the future thinking of all the things we were going to do together again just like before.

when i first found out she was sick i went dizzy and i was seriously contemplating asking my boyfriend to marry me and having a baby just so she could be there with me while i did all those things, that's why i feel like a little girl now because in my mind mommy had yet to show me through preganancy help me pick my dress smile at me as my degree was conferred upon me; be proud when i became a woman and guide me on my path. but now she's not here and i sit nearly every day crying for my mom like a baby. i dream of her all the time and i have had about 3 where i swear it was her after she went i dreamt we were at home and in my dream she was dead and i knew because i was crynig for her asking her not to leave me and she held me and told me that i should stop crying now- she hated to see me cry i know i sound like a loon.

i had finished my finals when i called my mom like i did every day just to pep her up and she was short with me so i called my dad and he told me that she was going to die and there was nothing that the doctors could do i couldn't believe it i told him to put me back on to my mom and i kinda shouted at her i asked her who told you that who said that and she sounded tired i think she might have started to cry but i don't know cos that's when my dad took the phone and told me. i went inside i wretched i cried with my friends called my boyfriend and told him that i was going to need him and that it would be hard- he looked at me blanky as only a man can and cuddled me. i got my bag to go home to see her and my fella drove me to the station my friends took me to the platform and we waited for the train and i couldn't get on it when it came i was so scared i didn't want to see her so i stayed another night away and went in the morning. i was too late. she had deteriorated so much she couldn't talk when i came in daddy was carrying her and he fell when he saw me she was so thin just bones she was so tired she couldn't even hold her head up i think it was two days later she died i lay next to her as my dad worked nights at the time and i missed being near her. being near her was something that i did i used to love sitting by her or at her feet, i'd lay my head on her shoulder we were always tactile always nudging :o) when i lay next to her i held her hand and in my heart i said to her that she should stop now that it was ok she was suffering she had become the exact opposite of herself imobile silent apart from her ragged breathing all i wanted at that moment was for her to be at res, but then she died somehow i knew that that breath she took was her last it was so long she breathed out unitl there was no air left in her and that was it i lay beside her and i think just for that moment it was so peaceful and i remember saying in my heart it is done it's finished. my little brother wasn't sleeping on the bed and i called to him to check her pulse the panick had set in and i was fighting the urge to try and revive her he listened to her chest and when he didn't hear anything he cradled her head and just said shit, i rememebr sayin to him say something and he just looked at me and said that there was nothing to say; he was only 15 at the time.

she died with her eyes open and we dressed her body and i slept by her until the next day after night it was awful everyone came in and the wake began i was supposed to go on holiday that week but my dad wouldn't let me i really just wanted to run away but he wouldn't let me. my kid brother was so strong i remember suddenly realising that he was just like mommy he stayed with me to look after me.

i miss her and it hurts me not just like sadness but like real pain at first i hurt all the time but at the same time i couldn't feel anything looking back now i realise that my grief started to mainfest itself in poor health i was sick with colds all the time i was one of those people who got a cold once every two years or soemthing silly like that and it would be major but last only a short while after mommy died i had weird rashes on my face colds back pain, thrush. i'm suffering from minor illnesses now but i dont think my immune system has pepped up yet it's been a long time and i dont want to feel sad anymore sometimes i don't but like now with my dads new girlfriend in the house it's sent me realling back to turmoil i dont know how to stop feeling this how to fix myself?