celestialangela

Today is Christmas...one of my mom's favorite holidays.  She died July 18, 2003 and she was 46 years old...I was 27.  She was a young mom, and you could say that we grew up together.  I, too had a child at 20 and he's now 15.  My father is somewhat distant, I don't know if he knows how to cope with the loss...they were married for over 20 years.  I read the other blogs of the women and I identify so much with each and every one.  My cousin was murdered this summer, and I find myself struggling again but also feeling guilty because I don't hurt as bad as I did with my mom.  Does this mean that I am somehow getting numb to grief?  Am I somehow empty and not capable of feeling that deeply for anyone else?  These are the questions that I have. 

I guess that there is a great deal of comfort to be found in the idea that I am not alone in my struggle to live a life without a mother, live a life after losing such a wonderful nurturing and loving person is hard, but I am doing it. 

It's Christmas Day around 8:30, and I am congratulating myself on another holiday completed, and not dissolving into a sobbing mess on the floor.  That's quite an accomplishment.  After my mom died (for about a year afterwards) I would have to rely upon my husband for everything...asking him forever what was I supposed to do next, and forgetting everything that I have ever known.  I call it my lost year...the year where I don't remember anything.

Missing my mom, and the way that she would rub my hair and I would lay my head in her lap.  She always told me that she loved me, and that I was "the best kid in the world".  What I wouldn't give to have that again...for just a moment.

That's it really, it's Christmas, and I was just thinking, "It's Christmas...where's my mom? I should have my mom with me on Christmas, right?"

Angela