Thirteen years
So I find myself crying today... being sad and depressed even though I told myself I wasn't going to be. Yesterday was the 13 year anniversary of the car accident that took my Moms life. She lived for a week after... It was Christmas vacation, we were visiting family out of state. Needless to say Christmas has been a really hard holiday for me to celebrate and not be sad. I've done really well the last couple of years. But this year, I feel so alone. I've lived almost half my life without her, why is it still hard sometimes? I'm 27 years old, I'll be 28 soon, thats old enough to not still be crying for your Mommy? It aggravates me, it makes me feel broken, and abnormal. I hate feeling different, I hate not being able to share the way I feel with people because they will just get akward and feel sorry for me.
My best friend was murdered on Nov 29th. She called me the night she was killed just to tell me she loved me... we had been fighting recently, her boyfriend was controlling and didn't want me in her life. She was there for me through everything I've been through. All the times where I was a mess, she never gave up on me, and always supported me. She was the most positive person I've ever known, and was my person I told everything to. And now she's gone. Here I am feeling sorry for myself all over agian... "why is this happening to me". I understand this is life, and it can be really rough sometimes. But I'm so tired of hurting, so tired of being someone who has been through so much, and been stong. I just want to scream, I want my mom to hug me and tell me its all gonna be okay. I want to stop fighting for my happiness and just surrender to the tears. I just don't know what to do, and I don't know what to say to anyone. I want to tell someone, hey I really could use a hug right now... but I just hate being seen as the "girl with issues". I dont want to be broken... unfortuantely I am. I'm really good at convincing everyone Im okay, but in all actuallity, Im really struggling today.
Comments: 2
: 0
Hi Jennifer
This is my first time at this site--a friend bought me the book Motherless Daughters some time ago & I often pick it up & read through it .I had to write to you after reading your entry. I do not know what to say to you that could possably help in any way to ease your pain. I do understand about yearning for your mother as I still do for mine,it has been 42 years ,I was 13 & I also am so tired of being strong.I was really just getting to know her & share things with her.I have 5 older brothers & when mum died we had to move --I had never been so lonely we did not even have a phone so I was unable to just talk to when I needed . So I do understand about your Mother .
But for you to lose your dear friend in such a way my heart truely went out to you --all I can say is that some one far away in Australia is thinking of you & wishing you well. Joan
Jennifer,
Today was the 13th anniversary of my mother's sudden death. Reading your blog brought me back to the tears I've been fighting away all day. I have never responded to a blog before, but I feel an urgency to respond to you. Everything you've said is everything I feel. I hate having to fight for happiness, I hate talking to people about what I'm struggling with because it's almost always followed by awkwardness, and then the pity face. I, as I'm sure you have as well, have been told on countless occasions how strong I am and I'm so tired of hearing those words. I don't want to be the "strong one" I don't want to be the one who it never bothers. I very seldomly let myself cry, but for some reason today I just can't seem to stop. I think what's truly bothering me is the fact that this is number 13 which means I've spent just as long being without her as I ever did with her. It's affected me more than i ever thought it could. You words really spoke to me...I've also never wanted to be viewed as the"girl with issues". I relocated across the country a few years ago thinking that maybe I needed a fresh start, not so surprisingly everything has followed me. I can't imagine the loss that you're currently experiencing now either. It must feel as if you can never get a break, and you were just made to experience heart ache. I'm genuinely sorry that you are living this right now. I feel losing one person is unjust, cruel and inhumane but losing your best friend on top of that too, that sounds unbearable. Let yourself cry, and scream and be angry. It's ok...I go in my car, park somewhere and then just let it all go. It's exhausting, but I feel like I can do another day after I'm done. My heart is going out to you tonight, I am sending you a hug from one broken young woman to another.
For all categories