JennBlythe

So I find myself crying today... being sad and depressed even though I told myself I wasn't going to be. Yesterday was the 13 year anniversary of the car accident that took my Moms life. She lived for a week after... It was Christmas vacation, we were visiting family out of state. Needless to say Christmas has been a really hard holiday for me to celebrate and not be sad. I've done really well the last couple of years. But this year, I feel so alone. I've lived almost half my life without her, why is it still hard sometimes? I'm 27 years old, I'll be 28 soon, thats old enough to not still be crying for your Mommy? It aggravates me, it makes me feel broken, and abnormal. I hate feeling different, I hate not being able to share the way I feel with people because they will just get akward and feel sorry for me.

My best friend was murdered on Nov 29th. She called me the night she was killed just to tell me she loved me... we had been fighting recently, her boyfriend was controlling and didn't want me in her life. She was there for me through everything I've been through. All the times where I was a mess, she never gave up on me, and always supported me. She was the most positive person I've ever known, and was my person I told everything to. And now she's gone. Here I am feeling sorry for myself all over agian... "why is this happening to me". I understand this is life, and it can be really rough sometimes. But I'm so tired of hurting, so tired of being someone who has been through so much, and been stong. I just want to scream, I want my mom to hug me and tell me its all gonna be okay. I want to stop fighting for my happiness and just surrender to the tears. I just don't know what to do, and I don't know what to say to anyone. I want to tell someone, hey I really could use a hug right now... but I just hate being seen as the "girl with issues". I dont want to be broken... unfortuantely I am. I'm really good at convincing everyone Im okay, but in all actuallity, Im really struggling today.