Taken Away
For Mom:
you were taken away
you needed to take care of grandma that night
you said you couldnt breathe
it wasnt just a panic attack
but you thought it was
so you took a pill
shouldnt have cut back on your heart meds
i didnt know you were sick
your heart condition was stable
for 25 years it was ok
until we didnt have insurance
couldnt pay for the meds
the doctors said it wasnt your heart
that was the problem
but i think it was
you never cut back on those pills before
it was the only deviation
in your normal routine
i could barely hear the last thing you ever said
it was raspy and extremely fearful in tone
you couldnt look at me
while i sat on your bed
my mind was swimming with ideas
about the inconvence of getting up so early
i didnt hug you that last time
you looked so messed up
i didnt want to hug out the breath you had left
it wasnt because i didnt love you
the ambulance came just like you asked for
that emt was yelling at you
for fighting him
he scared you so bad
i could see it on your face
you told him you couldnt walk
he made you stand up anyway
you were on the stretcher
i saw inside the ambulance
as they got out the paddles
i didnt go with you
i stayed behind because grandma couldnt be alone
and because i was uncomfortable with seeing you that way
i came immediately when they called me minutes later
i got there and i heard
heart stopped
pray for her
brain damage
i was shocked
you were in icu 10 days
they couldnt find out what was wrong
i slept there four days trying to wake you up
out of the coma
i cried and screamed in the bathroom
embarassed to break down in public
i read you books you loved
watched shows you loved
the doctors took every test
you didnt respond to pain
or follow their finger with your eye
when you had the inexperienced nurse
i stayed with you for fear she would hurt you
every time i saw you i knew you were
already gone
every time i visited you
the bruises on your arms from poking
the bloody patches where tests were performed
all looked worse than before
i put on the greatest show of my life
pretending to be calm in front of family
when inside my heart was torn out
i did what you wanted
when the neurologists told me
there was no hope
i gave you eternal rest
you were my only mother
i was your only child
i was very shy
you were very talkative
you called me your favorite person in the world
i called you women as a joke
we always lived together
you were a homemaker
i was 23 and you were 51
i didnt have any friends
for almost a decade
so you were
my only friend
ill always remember
those perfect five months
caring for grandma
making her life better
she misses you
all our pets
are with you now
meowrie our cat who died of leukemia at one year
maddy our poodle who was 13 years old
and all the other lizards,snakes,birds
the menagerie of guinea pigs,rabbits
fish and more that you so graciously allowed me to have
but you grew to love
each and every one as if they were your own
i love you forever
my confident
my buddy
my therapist
my master chef
my roommate
my protector
my voice
my transporter
and most importantly
my loving mom