abeall

It has been 33 days since I last got to see my mom; she passed that same day.  I hadn't seen her in almost 4 months since we don't live nearby.  After she passed I was told about the stages of grief and not to hold anything back, but how can you not?  Everyday I want to break down and cry and yell but I can't.  I just feel like everytime I give in to those emotions it makes it real.  So, as I keep going on and pretending that I'm not a total wreck inside apparently I've let some anger build up inside of me.  I took it all out on my husband last night.  The one person I never should have said such awful things to, but I did.  I didn't even know I was angry until that moment and I just snapped.  Not only do I feel awful for that, but I keep thinking of my mom and how disappointed she would be in me for acting like that.  The only thing I ever wanted was to make her proud of me, which I feel like I had done, but for some reason the way I treated my husband last night absolutely breaks my heart because I know how she would react to that.  How crazy am I for worrying about how my mom would respond?!?  I feel like my entire world has fallen apart and no matter how "normal" I try to act it just doesn't work.  I never thought that life was fair but I also never imagined it could be this cruel.  My mom had cancer and fought like hell but for some reason it just didn't work.  She was my best friend and the only person I have ever felt knew me completely and would never let me down.  I don't know how to handle not having her here.  How do you go on with your day to day routine without breaking down in the middle of it??  I just want to cry and yell and have my mom back.