DeeDee77

I try not to think of you.  I can't afford the sunken red eyes, the sadness, and the absolute desolation.  I can't think of what my life would be with you here by side.  I can't think about Tyr having a grandma that would love him and be better than me.  I can't think of you in that way.  I can only remember you when I had you.  I can't place you anywhere in the life that I have.  I can't.  I love you too much.  I need you too much, there is no replacement.  Nobody that can step forward and take your spot.   There is only anger at those that try.  There is only abandonment from your family and there is only me.  I love you, I sound angry but I love you.  There are few that I love and you still hold a spot.  I wish you could know that.  But you never will nor will I ever get a chance to tell you.  You will never know me now.  And it hurts.  I grew into the woman you always wanted me to be.  Kind, caring, non-judgmental - and I know in my heart I am the mother that you were.  My son will always be able to find warm arms and a kind heart when he feels alone and that is because of you.  And I tell him that always.

 

If you knew me now you would say I was beautiful, you would call me strong and we would chuckle at those that thought less.  I would have an army with only you standing behind me.  And the best thing is, I still feel you behind me, although I don't believe in the afterlife I now own your strength.  You had so much strength, and I'm so very lucky to have had you.  If only you could have had me too.  I think if we were both adults when you had cancer together we would have beaten it.  Nothing or no one could take us on together today.  This I know.  But it got us when we were weak and growing...that was the only time it could. 

 

When everyone else seems lost, I always feel grounded.  I know it's because you taught me to be a good mother.  I am grounded by you and by Tyr.  The love I feel for you two reminds me of my purpose.  I am so proud to have helped you die with dignity.  I am so proud to have you only trust me - when you were hurt by me for so long.  I am so proud to be your daughter.  I miss being called your daughter.  That was my identity for 22 years.  The only thing worse than not hearing you call me your daughter, is having you here to call Mom. 

 

Often I wish that we had just one more meeting, one more moment, and one more conversation.  One more of everything.  I just wish endlessly.  And Hope constantly, and grieve always.   I feel the weight of the world when my son looks up at me with a smile and tells me how much he needs me; how he hopes I'll never die.  I can't promise him anything, and it saddens me.  I need for him never to feel how I did, I need him to have me longer, to have me until he is a father watching his kids grow, and enter university.  I need him to have me until I feel he is strong enough alone.  If that is really ever the case...but he can't be 22.  He can't be alone with no one at 22.  I can't leave him then.